An Open Letter to Ben Affleck

Mr. Affleck:

Please quit your career. Please stop being in movies and in magazines and TV shows about movies. Perhaps you should go back to drinking and gambling full-time where you will be in dimly lit bars and casinos, and NOT in the public eye. It would be better for everyone, and here are the reasons why:

First, it is unclear why you seem to be associated with all the Hollywood hotties because you are rather unattractive. You have very beady eyes and even beadier teeth. Your physique is reminiscent of that of an ogre, or perhaps a very tall troll. Only you have more hair. And moles.

Furthermore, you are not very good at acting. The only role in which you have been remotely believable was as O�Banyon in �Dazed and Confused� where you ran around the entire movie, squealing like a pig, and trying to spank 14 year old boys.

Also, please consider forfeiting those Oscars that you and your extra-special friend Matt Damon won for that trite, worthless film you wrote called �Good Will Hunting.� You don�t deserve an Oscar. Perhaps you should think about handing those awards over to a more deserving creative duo. Someone who is more talented, who has more artistic integrity, and who is more culturally significant. I suggest the Olsen twins.

In conclusion, you are ugly. You have no talent. And you are undeserving of the success you have had with your career. Please pick a new one. Preferably one where you work in dark caves and are not allowed to speak.

Sincerely,

halee

Cc: Matt Damon
� � �� Mary Kate Olsen
� � �� Ashley Olsen

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