When I was 15 and just beginning to fill with the requisite angst associated with that age, I began to (re)discover heavy metal. It's difficult to be a headbanger when you live in a small country town. The kind of town where most kids challenge authority in such extreme ways as....untucking their shirts!

I wasn't alone. Michael. He was new in town.* He had an air of danger about him. He smoked cigarettes, had a bad attitude, and a hole through his calf where he accidentally shot himself.

I remember riding around in my Camaro with him, listening to Anthrax and Slayer. He let me borrow his Megadeth CD so I could make a tape of it. He would make tapes for me off the radio from the Friday night "Dead End Street" program on the local college station. During high school dances, we'd sit through hours of country two-steppin' just to hear the only two metal songs the DJs ever brought with them: 'Enter Sandman' and 'You Shook Me All Night Long'. We banged our heads. We tried to slam dance, but with only 4 or 5 participants it was never very effective.

At some point he deemed me worthy to try to teach me...about Him.

Now, you might be thinking this story is about to segue into my experiences with Satanism. I only have one really excellent story about Satanism, and this isn't it. Sorry. The "Him" I am referring to is not Satan, but Colonel Alvin.

I was just as confused as you are.

Michael told me the tale of when he and his stepbrother had altered themselves on some substance, and were laying on top of a car out by the cemetery listening to Ministry. The spirit of Colonel Alvin descended upon them, and all in the name of metal became clear to them. You had to be there to truly understand, apparently, but I tried to understand nonetheless:

• "So he's NOT Satan?" "No."



• "And he's not the 'spirit' of Satan?" "No."



• "And he's not Ozzy?" "No."



• "Can I have a hint?" "No, everyone has to figure out Colonel Alvin for themselves."



• "It's Satan, right?" "It's not Satan!!! Colonel Alvin isn't good or evil, he's beyond that."



• "Is he Randy Rhoades' ghost?" "No."



• "Is he the ghost of the bat that Ozzy ate?" "No."



• "And this has nothing to do with the Chipmunks, right?" "..."



• "And it's NOT the devil?" "NO."

On and on we went, with me asking stupid questions trying desperately to unlock the riddle of Colonel Alvin. Although I hadn't figured everything out, I was privy to the secret "Colonel Alvin Rules" hand signal, which was basically making a palm-down fist and pumping it once. I was also allowed to display the "Colonel Alvin Rules" logo on my textbook covers, which was just a drawing of a fist and the words "Colonel Alvin Rules" written in Def Leppard font.

I did finally learn that they had been listening to the Ministry song "Corrosion" at the exact moment they discovered Him. I would listen to that song over and over, trying to figure out what I was missing. It turns out that the song didn't have any particularly special meaning or hidden backwards messages, and I wasn't really missing anything. They were just really drunk that night and Al Jourgensen doesn't sing all that clearly, and when he was screaming "Corrosion" it sounded to them like "Colonel Alvin," and the legend grew from there.

Epilogue

After weeks of brain-wracking frustration, Colonel Alvin finally revealed himself to me. It was one of those really simple things where you want the answer to be far grander than it really is, and get lost in trying to figure it out. A true riddle. I didn't even have to tell Michael the answer that I came up with for him to confirm if it was correct or not. The fact that I came up with my own answer WAS the answer. That is all I can tell you. To tell you any more than that would void the possibility of you being able to truly understand him. I've honestly already told you too much.

*Note: "New in town" in our town meant you hadn't been in our class since kindergarten. I think at this point in the story he had already been in my town for 3 or 4 years.

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